I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"

"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.

I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.” 

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

Anger and love are identical in that they both make a person blind.

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. 

"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny. 

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" 

"He saws people in half." 

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Summer vacation was over and young Jack returned to school.

Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," mother said. "I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

"You don't get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour."

- Jim Rohn -

My girlfriend isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

Not sure how I did that...

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

"Time separates the best of friends," said one women to another. 

"How true," replied the other. "Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you're thirty-five and I'm twenty-nine!"

Whole chicken or a roast is the very best buy for any family. You will find that you not only have wonderful meals but also saving a lot of money, and your family will love your creativeness.

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."