How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

If you are in business and don’t have enemies, it’s probably because you’re on your way out of business.

Little Anne came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"

"That's great sweetheart!" said her daddy.

"Come into the living room and tell me about it," daddy continued.

Little Anne said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.” 

The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”

“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

"The gift of a man may make room for him, but it takes the credibility of his character to unlock it."

- Akinsipe -

At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.

The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again. Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.

"I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night..."

Why were the tomatoes in the fridge embarrassed?

They saw the salad dressing.

A friend is somebody who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?"

I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!"

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she’s an optician!"

This sailor fell off the crows nest on a sailing ship and fell trough the first deck and the second deck of the ship.

The captain went up to the sailor and asked if he was all right.

"I am all right," said the sailor. "I have been through hardships before."