A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music!” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered, "is that your son?”

“No," she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him!”

A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. Four small children scurried around her.

Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.

"Here," she said, handing him the coats. "This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

Keeping a computer on day and night will consume about 250 kilowatt-hours of electricity and will cost you around $50 dollars a month. By shutting down your computer at night, you will consume around 100 kilowatt-hours saving you about $30 a month. Make sure you point this out to others and at work.

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

When considering a student for financial aid, the federal formula expects the student to contribute 50% of the student’s income (minus the income protection allowance), and 35% of the student’s assets during his/her base year. Given this, the family should spend down the student’s money first. For example, instead of buying the student a car or a computer while he/she is in college, have the student buy it out of their own funds during the base year before you apply for FAFSA. This may increase the student's eligibility for aid and reduce the family's out-of-pocket costs.

Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.

One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."

The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything."

The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."

Father to Daughter: It's a good thing you chose to takes accounting at school. 

Daughter: How come? 

Father: Because I want you to account for coming home at five am this morning. 

The truth only needs to be said once. A lie needs to be told over and over.

Daughter: "Dad, when will I be old enough to go to the movies with a boy?"

Dad: "When you're a year older than your brother."

The daughter thought for a moment and replied: "But I'll never be older than my brother, he was born first."

Dad: "I guess there's your answer. But don't blame me, go talk to your brother."

My wife asked me before going to the hairdressers, "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A power cut" was apparently the wrong answer.