A close friend confided in me that she had finally found Mr. Right...
Later she confessed she did not realize that she had found Mr. Always Right!
YOU SOUND LIKE MY EX
After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband says, “I haven’t.”
AND THE WINNER IS.
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.
75 Years Ago
It's strange to think 75 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied, "That would be my husband's check book."
Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left?
Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.
Well he wanted to know.
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
"Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."
Get to the other side.
There's this 'not-so-bright' young woman out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another woman on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second woman looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
I am not a Lawyer
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"
A wealthy ninety year old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas!”
My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.
I told her she's way off base!
ONCE UPON A TIME
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...'"
AS YOU WISH
I told my kids I never want to ?live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from ?a bottle.
So they unplugged my ?computer and threw out my wine.
KEEP THE LINE OPEN
“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… "
“I'm sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try calling…"
“But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.”
“Well, in that case ma'am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying to call you right now.”