The teacher asked her student to write on the chalkboard the number 55. The student asked, "How do I do that?"
 
Teacher replied, "Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5."
 
The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired, "What's wrong?"

"I don't know which side to write the other 5?" 

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop.

"What's the matter?!" she asked.

"Where's the body?!" demanded the officer.

"What are you talking about?"

"We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being butchered to pieces in this house."

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?" "Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

"Real love stories never have endings."

- Richard Bach -

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. 

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.” 

The other voice goes: “You heard correctly, now eat the chocolate.”

My neighbor introduced his wife to me by calling her his, "better half."

I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as, "the lesser of two evils."

At three o'clock one morning, a veterinary surgeon was awoken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone.

"I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line.

"That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

"Everything happens for a reason. Don't worry about the reason, just live with what happens."

We were standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," we requested, "and could we please have Michelle?"

"Michelle?" asked the hostess.

"Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"