Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."

There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent …

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. 

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held …

"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"

"I don't know," replied Miriam, "all of our records were lost in the flood."

The teacher asked her student to write on the chalkboard the number 55. The student asked, "How do I do that?"
 
Teacher replied, "Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5."
 
The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired, "What's wrong?"

"I …

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop.

"What's the matter?!" she asked.

"Where's the body?!" demanded the officer.

"What are you talking about?"

"We just got a tip that some guy …

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit. "Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is …

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's …

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. 

The first one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.” 

The other voice goes: “You heard correctly, now eat the chocolate.”

My neighbor introduced his wife to me by calling her his, "better half."

I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as, "the lesser of two evils."